Annie's Mailbox(4/22)

One-time cheater?

Dear Annie: My husband and I are in our 40s. We have been married for 15 years and had a marriage most people would envy. We have no children.

My husband recently admitted to an indiscretion with a woman he has known for four years. This is not a woman he would ever take out in public. His pursuit of her was purely for sex. Once it happened, he never saw her again. (She confirmed this.) He only confessed because he developed a medical problem and was scared.

We are now separated and he is seeking counseling for self-esteem issues. He has begged and pleaded with me not to divorce him, but I feel as though I am married to a complete stranger. How could an intelligent, educated man who supposedly loves his wife actually go through with such an unspeakable act? Is it true "once a cheater, always a cheater"? Is there an explanation (other than midlife crisis) to assure me this was just a one-time experiment? -- Heartbroken in the South

Dear Heartbroken: We don't know why your husband felt the need to cheat, although therapy should help him find out. And we can't promise he won't do it again, but if therapy helps him, there is a possibility this was a one-time deal. The issue, as always, is trust. Which is why we recommend counseling for you, too. Marriage doesn't come with guarantees. Counseling will help you decide if you can live with the uncertainty. You have to do what lets you sleep at night.

애니에게 : 결혼한 지 15년된 40대인 우리부부는 타인의 부러움을 받는 결혼생활을 하였어요. 그러나 남편은 최근에 그의 외도를 인정했고 그녀는 단순히 섹스상대일뿐이었어요. 우리는 별거중이고 그는 자아존중에 대한 상담을 받고싶어해요. 그는 이혼하지 않을 것을 간청했지만 나는 완전히 타인과 함께 사는 기분이예요. 한번 부정을 저지르면 계속 그러하다라는 것이 사실인가요? 그것이 단한번의 실수였음을 확신하기 위한 다른 표현은 없는지요?

답변 : 우리는 왜 남편이 그런일을 저질렀는 지 모르고 그 일이 또 일어나지 않을 것을 약속할 수도 없습니다. 항상 문제는 신뢰입니다. 결혼에서 개런티하는 것은 없습니다. 확신이 없는 상태에서 살아야 하는지에 대한 상담을 받아보십시오. 마음편히 먹어야 합니다.